I remember hanging out at a skatepark when I was younger. All these high school kids were talking about sex. This one kid kept responding: dude, sex is over rated. I remember thinking I don't know what your experience was man, but I'm guessing it wasn't awesome. I've heard people talk of their marriages similarly: marriage is okay, kinda overrated.
marriage as: good, skeptical, or functional
There are many views of marriage. Let me throw out a few common views: good, skeptical, and functional. There are some who have a decently good view of marriage. They've seen parents or friends model a healthy marriage, entered into a solid marriage, and for the most part like being married. These are the people (and it's a smaller group than you might think) who think you know what, marriage is pretty a good thing for the most part. When you ask them if they are happy in their marriage, they generally say yes.
Others view it with skepticism. Maybe from a bad experience? Maybe they've experienced the pain of divorce, but when they think of marriage they think of hardship rather than beauty. Still others have a somewhat functional view of marriage. Maybe they are married, but it has become a tiring process. Their spouse refuses to change. They want something more, and find themselves functionally getting by because it's where they happen to be at this moment in life. They view marriage as utilitarian, like brushing their teeth or washing their car. It's just something they do.
marriage as an image of the Trinity
May I suggest, another view of marriage differently entirely: a high view of marriage. Marriage is an image of the Trinity. There are many things which have an image of God placed on them: humans (we are made in God's image), creation (shows the fingerprints of God), relationships (we are to love our neighborhood with the love of God). However, marriage is the closest thing we have to the image of God. Within the Trinity (three persons in one being) is all love, communion, and relationship. God doesn't need to go outside himself to find compassion, affirmation, and challenge; he holds these within himself. This is the nature of being distinct and yet still one. God is different and still unified. What is marriage if not two distinct people coming into a relationship in a way that makes them one.
What does this mean? It means we are to see marriage more about the other person, than ourselves. Marriage is more about giving than taking. Marriage is more about helping another person grow closer to God, than having a good, skeptical, or functional marriage.
marriage as sanctifying
Garry Thomas wrote a book called Sacred Marriage. In it he argues that marriage is more sanctifying than self-fulfilling. He poses a question: what if marriage is more about holiness than making you happy? Sanctification is the simple process of becoming mature. It means you are different now, somehow changed for the good, better than you were when you woke up this morning. It's the slow process of redemption. Are you tracking with me here? This means marriage, your marriage, is about a sanctifying work that God is doing in your heart. It's also about God leading you to help sanctify your spouse as well.
My point is this: marriage is an image of the Trinity and the family is an image of the church.
marriage is you growing closer to God
These are two of the most important images in all of life. Not all of your experiences in marriage are awesome. Often there's more pain than joy. Sometime marriage feels utilitarian. Sometimes we hope for a marriage that's simply decent. But if the point of obedience is God taking us from a rescued people to a people of God (Exodus 19:4-6), then the sanctifying work of marriage is part of the process of you growing closer to God.
AB.
*written by Abraham Bates - photos by Nancy Bates Photography - Copyright AbrahamBates.com
*written by Abraham Bates - photos by Nancy Bates Photography - Copyright AbrahamBates.com
